First indication Berserker is questionable is the obvious rip off of Pink Floyd’s The Wall film with the cover art. An almost identical screaming face adorns the cover. While I love my overproduced, self-indulged acid rock as much as the next guy, I seldom think it a good mix with horror. Maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m dwelling too much on this. Moving on.
So the story has a cool premise. A Viking lives on killing in the woods. Didn’t sound as cool when I typed and re-read it. Yeah this isn’t going well is it? I’m already struggling to find the ironic humor. I’ll carry on for you though. So yeah, at first we’re shown the 10th century. I love when a time period is so vaguely referenced. 10th century where? When? Downtown Missouri 10th century? Miami beach 1053. Next we’re shown the 10th century scenes, which show nothing that even remotely makes it 10th century specific except that there’s a Viking. (Good vague 200 years worth of Viking material to pull from, may as well pick it in the middle.) I cringed when they showed us what I originally thought was the lamest bear effects ever. But it was just showing that a berserker wore a bears skull and pelt when hunting. Hunting what? Humans? I donno. I was surprised at the quality of the plastic they must have had mid 10th century. For something that was a skull to wear of a genuine bear, I found it odd the obvious plastic eyes were intact. Gold.
Next we’re whisked away to what I’ll assume is 1980’s. No blatant text scroll here for us I guess. I guess we’re assumed to be an intellectual crowd. Obviously. A cute old, bickering couple are out for a stroll in the woods. They get lost seconds later and are viciously attacked by something. We get what seems like scratches across faces and then we get the cut away to a bear in the heavily fogged woods. Is it Berserker or is it Bear or is it that I don’t care? Fuck there’s a lot of fog in this movie. I can’t see shit. I’m getting testy. It’s humorless…until now. We finally get to the bread and butter….the stereotyped teens…the group that makes some of these slashers watchable. We have the reluctant to go on the trip girl, the douches, the nerd and a few random others.
After some bullshittery scenes that help describe the stereotypes, we hit the road. Douche guy drinks beer and smokes weed while driving. After being pulled over and almost caught the crew moves forward to where they plan on camping. Douche guy says him and his old man use to travel there and Ol’ Pappy will be tickled to see him. Little does he know, Pappy thought Douche guy and his dad we’re, well, douche. Pappy pretends not to know Douche guy which enrages el Douche. On top of that he won’t give the crew the camp site he had as a boy. Broken but not done in, Douche takes a turn to the old campground and kicks off the present renters. I love that he just runs out and folds up their tent and throws it two feet away assuming they’ll ask no questions and just leave.
After the gang gets settled on comes the music montage. Cries of “cool dudes” fills the background music of one of the overtly gay scenes by so called straight guys I have ever seen. Now, I don’t care what you are into, hell I could care less if you stick it in a shoe and call it a relationship. Doesn’t affect me either way. But when you are portraying “straight” by standing in front of each other, shirtless no less, and laughing and spraying beer on each others nakes bodies, I question someone’s sexuality. As I said, not that I care but being a straight male, if a friend of mine poured beer on my naked body while blasting, “cool dudes” on the radio, and smiling in my face, I might question their motives. But hey, that’s me. Hopefully I didn’t disrespect anyone there. If I did, meh, no one cares what the fuck I have to say anyway and neither should you. I spend my free time watching horror movies and reviewing them….yeah…my opinions aren’t exactly first on anyone’s list.
So back at the cabin, beer romp is now behind us, we hear stories from the Doucherino on how he hated his dad but loved him when they went to that cabin. Blah, time kill, spit and move in. I don’t care. I already hate this guy, trying to humanize him now is erroneous.
There’s some more scenes with Pappy and the cop. I can’t tell you what they talked about because I was busy seeing if I could bend my leg in an appropriate angle so as to use a foot to squeeze my ball sack. Much more entertaining than you would think and miles more entertaining than this movie at this point. After some more scenes of the thickest fog in a motion picture ever, we see one of the girls stray out into the woods. She gets scared by two of the others as they are on their way to the woods. Surprise, she gets attacked. More surprising? We see jack shit except some blood smears and fog. John Carpenter could have learned something about fog from this movie. We’re handed the bear red herring again and I’m totally apathetic. This girl survives whatever the fuck attacked her and she stumbles upon the carcass of the old lady from the start of the movie.
Ahhh finally I catch some names of characters. Shelly and Chris are butchered in the woods. For fuck sakes, there goes the only names I knew. I’m getting overly annoyed at this point. There’s more goddam darkness, nothing happens for at least 5 minutes then Josh (El Douche) gets everyone lost. I forget to mention they’re on the move now. You don’t care, I know you don’t. What you are reading right now is more entertaining than the movie isn’t it? It’s my lack of caring that’s entertaining you isn’t it? I know. I’m here for your amusement.
So here’s a point form of the next bunch of scenes:
· - No sign of killer
· -More random bear shots
· - Back at the camp for a minute or two
· - Shots of the bear running. He is a beauty.
· - More darkness
· - More nothing
· - Dead old lady again
· - More bear
· - Gang sees a truck
· - More bear
· - Pappy is in the truck. Scene goes nowhere
Alright now here comes the heat. The nerd falls into the dead, old guy and bust up his leg. For some reason, Josh tells the rest of the gang to go get the truck and he’s going to stay with the wimp. Even though there’s something killing everyone…and the cabin is literally like 2 minutes away (mentioned earlier by the couple that got killed). Hmmm….why not carry him for the 2 minute walk. It’s not far. Josh doesn’t look that wimpy. I’m sure they could all carry him. I should have wrote this script goddammit. Anyway, Josh stays with the dink. We see that the bear is coming. Josh and the nerd have some sort of heart to heart. Again, too little too late, and we find that the truck now has a dead battery. I still don’t give a fuck but I may as well finish this turd. So the other guy takes off in a bike and leaves his girlfriend to deal with some killing machine by herself at the cabin. Brave, buddy. He’s a keeper folks.
From here we flash back and low and fucking behold we see the namesake of the movie, the Berserker. He runs up and kills Josh right in front of the nerd. I still can’t see shit except fog and nothing. Just when the berserker is about to kill the nerd, out comes that fucking bear we’ve been seeing all movie. Now’s the time bear. Do your thing.
The next few minutes are hilarious yet kind of impressive. The berserker and the bear duke it out. And it’s no CGI here folks. This massive dude and the bear have at it. I mean obviously the bear thinks he’s playing and the berserker is probably his trainer in real life but this shit looks cool. Hands down there’s no way anyone could say the berserker doesn’t look bad ass while fending off a goddam bear. That’s balls people. Titanium schnuts. After some push and shove the bear knocks off the berserker, the nerd actually cheers, the bear gives us his best “t’weren’t nothin’” and moves on.
The girl back at the cabin freaks at sounds but she’s ok. The nerd tries to make his way back to the cabin, something he should have tried last night. Holy fuck! Josh isn’t dead after all. While all three try to escape that dirty bitch berserker pops up and screams at them. Just as they are about to run I guess the cop shows up and guns down the berserker ending his life….for reelz.
End movie. I feel two years older.
What can I say here. The pacing was absolutely awful. For a 90 minutes movie, I felt like I just watched the extended versions of all three Lord of the Rings movies. My teeth hurt it felt so long. The acting was terrible, the story was awful and so were the effects.
I have nothing else to add.
Overall 2 / 10. Don’t bother unless you are a slasher completest. I seldom give a movie under a 2 unless i get angry. In this case, I was indifferent and just bored
Some alternate artwork